I sent this to a friend of mine a few days ago. She had been in an abusive relationship for a long time. She summoned up the courage to break the ties and get out but the shards of that relationship still lived on in her, like wounds that wouldn't heal. The pain wasn't there all the time. She knew the truth about how amazing life could be and she knew what she wanted - most of the time - but still, a decade or more of conditioning made it hard for her to live the life she'd always imagined for herself.
We all live with that conflict within us, to some degree, don't we? How then to deal with it?
Here, pretty much verbatim, is my email to her:
You are already awesome. You can turn on awesomeness in a heartbeat! Do it and stay that way!
Hmm. On second thought I don’t agree with this one
at all. I think I added it because on the surface it looked good. Wow,
is it wrong!
“Easy” is up to you. If you think it will be hard, it will definitely be hard(er).
I used to believe that all the time: “life is
really hard! how will I do this? I’ll never <insert random thing I
want to do here>”. I made it hard because the messages I sent myself
were that it was hard. It’s mental conditioning but it’s
not rocket science.It works
at the most basic level. Look at it this way: tell yourself, “this task
is hard”. Say that over and over and over again. Make it your dominant
message. Think of nothing but how hard
this is going to be. Do you think it will be hard? Do you think you’ll
actually complete the task?
Now reverse it: “this will be easy”. Make that your
dominant message. Say it over and over again. And believe it! Think of
nothing but about how easy this is going to be. Which mindset is likely
to give you the results you want?
You know this. Deep down you’ve always known it.
You were taken out of your groove by someone who doesn’t get it. You see
his negativity and you respond to it because you’ve conditioned
yourself to do it. But honestly,
it’s not your fault. How long have you been with him? How
often have you subjugated the real "you", to keep the peace, to avoid
conflicts, to “get along”?
You’ve changed, grown and learned while he’s
regressed. Think about ‘growth’ for a moment. If you’ve grown, you’re
bigger, more powerful, stronger. (I don’t mean physically, but in other
ways, although it could be a physical transformation
too. :-) Now use that
growth. Think of it as power and strength. Mental, emotional. And bring
that power to bear. Use it to lift yourself out of sadness. And make it
a habit. It’s like
reps in the gym. The more you repeat something, the more it becomes a conditioned response.
Soon it will be second nature. And the more you do it, the
stronger you become! Feel sad? Boom! You can change it to “amazing” in a
heartbeat!
And stop worrying.:-)
Pete
